Golf is hard enough…. without the terrible clichés

Larry Canning_Brooksy 595


Larry Canning Portrait 174

By Larry Canning

I WAS having a “Nine hole- lose a keno ticket” game at Highlands Golf Course with Brooksy recently when out of the blue, he came out with one of the oldest and worst golfing cliché’s ever created. Not only that, he blurted it out one second after I’d skulled a sand wedge clean over the tenth green and into a water hazard.

As my frightened little ball careered out of control towards the drink, a wading bird heroically dived across his wife and chicks to save their innocent lives. The ball narrowly missed “Arnold Waterfowl” and his family, which was something of a relief until I realised I was probably going to lose the hole and my brand new nut.

Before I could bang my club into the ground in anger, Brooksy (pictured, in all his glory, above left) blurted out – “Nearly got a birdie mate!”

Not only was it terrible timing and a total disregard for my emotions but it wasn’t funny! In fact, that corny cliché was never funny!

I think it’s time we had a look at really old and bad golfing chestnuts and bury them under the nearest pile of green coring’s.

Let’s start with – “Drive for show… Putt for dough”. Makes perfect sense until you drive your ball straight over the Out of Bounds fence and onto the main road. I’m still yet to see anyone make a par putt from the medium strip in the middle of the Hume Highway!

 “It’s on the dance floor but a long way from the band”. If it’s not aimed at me, my response to this is always – “If you dance anything like you’re last swing, it’s probably better you can’t hear the band”.

What about this little ripper? – “You don’t have to draw a picture on the card”. I usually say – “It’s OK, I got the whole hideous experience on my iPhone”.

Right after you catch one about 4 inches behind the ball, your so called mate says – “Just Laying Up mate?”. “Oh haa bloody haa… why don’t I belt you with this 9 iron until you start Laying Down!!  

Then there are some more recent ones, like – “That dog will hunt”. I don’t want my dog to hunt, I just need it to be findable somewhere “Near,” or even “In” its kennel.

And I just love this right after you’ve hit your first putt that hard, it could well finish up on the next tee –  “Hit a House”. How does that work anyway? I get the metaphor for it needs to stop pretty soon or I might need to take that embarrassing walk back to the golf bag to grab my sand-wedge but how is “Hit a House” going to help my ball or my state of mind? If I hear this again, I swear I’m going to come back with – “Why don’t you wee wee off back to your own house? I know your wife is home, I was there this morning!!” 

After almost being killed by a wayward golf ball, even the Swamphens aren't amused by the "You nearly got a birdie mate!" line
After almost being killed by a wayward golf ball, even the Swamphens aren’t amused by the “You nearly got a birdie mate!” line

Then there’s the famous name associated with a particular shot like a badly sliced drive – Ä Tony Abbott… long way to the right

A Sophia Loren iron shot – It looked good for a long time

A Rock Hudson Putt – I really thought that was straight

An OJ Simpson bounce – Got away with murder

A Saddam Hussein – From one bunker to the next

A Joe Pesci – A nasty little 5 footer

A David Beckham – Chose the wrong club

The list goes on and on, with every single one of them requiring nothing less than total extinction.

If, like me, you are just one round off manslaughter with a dangerous golfing implement, join me on my quest to bury these horrible annoying clichés once and for all.

Take a stand and bring the game back from the old, out dated banality and create our own witty comebacks. I often plead with my loyal readers to engage via comments but this time I’m desperate. 

Please… Please help me.

Oh, and can someone assist me when  Brooksy reads this column and tries to rip my head off and throw it into the same water hazard my Taylor Made Tour Preferred number 3 went??


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