Dear Santa,
I’m sure you’ve heard about the wedge I threw on the 7th at Mt Broughton last week when my purely struck shot 50 degree gap wedge was zeroing in on the stick only to catch a gust of wind and fall 5 inches short of perfection into a pot bunker.
What you may not be aware of was ‘Brindo’ and ‘Newmo’ had just snatched victory from the jaws of defeat on the previous hole with a ridiculous putt that hit the flag so hard that my partner, ‘Mumbles’, who wasn’t watching at the time dived into a sand trap thinking someone had shot a gun nearby! Seriously, there were flecks of fiberglass scattered around the hole. It wasn’t so much the pure luck involved but the disgraceful way they both celebrated the win!
I’m sure there’s been the odd occasion where even you, Santa, have been torn between displaying wonderful sportsmanship and succumbing to a brief attack of the shits?
Anyway, for the best part of 2023, I reckon I’ve been pretty good. I was even very nice to a golfer on the phone who said, “Hi Larry, I rang earlier and spoke to an Barry but he didn’t seem to know what was going on……” and I was the only person in the Pro-Shop all day. And there was the dude who asked me “How long will it take to play your course, mate?” – I politely asked him what score he intended to shoot?
So, Santa can I please have the following –
I know I asked for a new driver last year and thank you so much for it but this year can I have one that consistently goes further than Newmo’s one?
Also can I have a faster golf cart for the group in front of us? And maybe a 3 minute stop watch?
And thanks so much for the new range finder with the vibrating lock-on technology but can you please send me a person without a vibrating right hand?
Can I have a caddy job with Taylor Gooch? And don’t worry, I can definitely live without world rankings.
If you have one of those telescopic GUR Stakes that fit into your golf bag, Id love one of those too.
What about a life-size, cardboard cut-out Adam Scott? Its OK, I’ve spoken to Sandra about it. We have a very open and unconditional marriage.
I’m now noticing myself throwing small pieces of grass in the air before I take a leak.
Now bear with me please Santa, because this is going to sound random, even coming from me. Since I entered my sixth decade on this planet I have found myself, not only losing compression with my drives but also when I’m having a wee wee. I’m now noticing myself throwing small pieces of grass in the air before I take a leak. I have asked our clubs Professional Club Fitting expert, named Kon, if he can help but despite his state of the art equipment which can measure all kinds of things from launch angle, arc of decent and even a thing called “Smash factor”, he can’t help. Can you please send Kon the appropriate software for “Splash factor”?
Finally Santa, in the name of public safety I need a lob wedge with a cushioned leading edge. As you know, there’s never a good time to contact a medium length bunker shot right on the sharp bit on your sand wedge, there’s only variations of terrible. One of my worst came recently when I lost sight of where the club was in relations to the ball and knifed a Callaway Super soft straight at our opponents… and yes were again a couple down. And yes again it happened right after Newmo holed that ludicrous putt.
My dear Santa, I might have said this before but this time I promise to be good next year. As a sign of affection and good will, I have left some treats on the dining table just near the tree, including – a double nip of Jack Daniels on ice with a splash of soda, three Tim Tams from the Tim Tam Deluxe Decadent range and some signed photos of me as a young bloke playing the tour.
Luv Ya Mate
Larry
