Dear Santa,
Again, thankyou in advance for overlooking my behaviour for the past 12 months. I promise to do better next year.
Can I please have a tree that gives me a good bounce. And for that matter a flag that doesn’t repel my pill back into the nearest trap? Not that I’ve hit a flag for 12 years but just in case, okay? I did hit a playing partner with a chip I caught out of the “where the head meets the shaft” recently. Come to think of it, that got a bad bounce as well!
I could do with a range finder that doesn’t keep shaking. I was playing Mt Broughton two weeks ago and my device was telling me I had 142 metres to the stick. I badly a needed a birdie to reel in Newmo and Butch who both had a shot on the hole and again had me on the ropes for a keno ticket and two schooners of Coopers Pale Ale. As you can imagine Santa, it was bloody tense. Anyway, I removed my new Callaway Rogue 7 iron from the bag, gave it a couple of nervous waggles and flushed it straight at the pin. I lost sight of where it had landed but did hear a cow come out with a hideous high-pitched moo! Turned out I had 102 to the stick.
I’d be really grateful if you could send me a dozen golf balls that are nice and soft around the greens, give backspin with short irons, don’t curve in the air, launch high but with no spin with a driver and providing I don’t carve it onto the back of the 4.20 to Central Station, last a full 18 holes…. Wait a minute, they all do that don’t they??
Santa if you have a spare couple of rules changes could you whack them in the sack? There really should be some allowance for trying to play golf with a filthy hangover. It’s just a thought but what about a shot handicap for every notch you are over point 0.5 the previous night? In fact why can’t we incorporate something similar into the workforce. Those News Years mornings when I had to open the Pro-Shop could be retrospective? If you were self-employed, The R&A could prop up your super with some Scottish pounds sterling for going above and beyond and doing your bit for the game of golf. Yes Santa, I know I once threw up on a member back in 1994 but he and I get along fine now.
Can I have a visor to stop the sun from damaging my baby like skin, but Ill also need a fringe to go with it.
Also Santa, and I’m sure at your age you will understand, I’m going to need some Botox injection vouchers. Do you know much about this procedure and what parts of the body you can enhance?… does it hurt?? Can we keep this between ourselves? If my sons find out they might feel the need to go to book an appointment at the Bowral Deed Poll agency.
Speaking of my sons, Santa, is there some way I could falsify some of my playing record. I’m rapidly approaching that period where I’m going to be sitting in front of the fireplace in a big leather lounge sipping on a brandy, telling my three grandkids how bloody good I was. Can I please get a fireplace as well?
Finally Santa, I’ve heard Jay Monahan can play a bit so is there some way you could send an invitation to him on behalf of the Shark to join LIV Golf League?
Yeah I’m aware there will need to be some correspondence with Greg beforehand and that might be a bit of a political mine field but I’m reading between the lines and sniffing a little bit of love between the two Commishes. I think it’s worth a crack?
Sure Rory and Justin Thom-nob-as will be disappointed but to stop the silliness and put the global game in front of individual organisations, I think they (Rory) will see the logic. Maybe just invite them both to a meeting, that could do it. You might have to chair that gig though. What’s your quiet period?
In closing, thank you readers for continuing to read…. Have a great Christmas and I’ll see you next month with the celebrated “Larry Awards”.
