By Larry Canning.
We have this really good practice facility at Mt Broughton Golf Club which includes a ripper of a driving range. The customers have to come into the Pro-Shop to buy a basket of balls and I often ponder what is the motivation for their 35 or 70 ball size bucket of pellets. Is it so they can win the next monthly medal, or something far more complicated? Even sinister?
I can’t help but notice their clubs as they unsuccessfully try and lean a hand full of bats against the counter. Why do they rest the head of the clubs against the top of the counter with the grips on the floor? I used to try and rescue their expensive pride and joys before they toppled to the ground but since I became old and cynical I just stand back and giggle. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not totally heartless. If I like the customer I might gesture to be of help… then giggle under my breath.
You can tell a lot about a person by their clubs. The brand, the age, the condition, are they full cavity- part cavity or total wanker tour blade? The loft on the driver; you can sometimes have a squizz at the ball marks on the face when the customer bends down to pick up the other clubs that have slid down the counter.
I often take a peek out the Pro-Shop window to see how the person is doing with their practice and try and figure out what they might be working on.
In fact I reckon I could put together a full profile of each driving range customer. You know, if the police ever need to catch one of them. Range ball theft is rampant at the moment. Plus its easy to see how a perfectly innocent law abiding golfer can be tempted by that half decent Pro V sitting on top of the pile and where that can lead. The next thing you now they guy is donning a balaclava and walking into the Moss Vale ANZ welding a lob wedge!
Take the middle aged, clearly professional, well dressed bloke who always asks for a small bucket and one rubber top tee. It’s the obvious discrepancy between the old Callaway Diablo irons and the top of the range Epic Max Driver he also rests against the counter, and who buys one tee two or three times a week!? And the brand new Apex 21 Hybrid?
The guy is clearly embezzling millions from his business partners and can only spend small amount of cash at a time to prevent attracting attention. A driver here, a $1.50 tee there, it’s as obvious as the snorker on my face. If he turns up on Monday with a brand new 5 iron I’m calling the cops.
Then there’s the 40 something year old Japanese woman who always buys a large basket and a new Srixon leather glove. Alarms bells went off in my melon when I spotted three Mizuno MP 18 blade irons leaning beside her (before they slid off the counter), and one of them was a 4 iron! Plus the Srixon 785 driver looked like a ball had never been hit anywhere else but dead centre.
I’m sure readers, you can see it too, right? She has clearly come to Australia to find an area away from Sydney to manufacture illicit drugs and its being funded by the Japanese Yakuza! (That’s the Japanese Mafia). Trust me, I have covered enough women’s professional tournaments to know there are very few players who use blade clubs on tour and even fewer with a blade 4 iron. We’ve all seen Kill Bill and Kill Bill 2 and watched Lucy Lui.
This deadly Japanese assassin can wield a blade like it’s part of her arm. What about the ball marks on that driver face? Someone who can swing a 45 inch driver with force and the type of precision required to hit nothing but the geometric absolute centre of the face is nothing short of a fully blown Samuri! Its surly no coincidence Lucy also needs to buy a new glove each week is it? The Yakuza often chop off their little finger as a sign of commitment to the Klan. She needs to cover it up.
Problem is I’m scared to within a twitch of filling my pants to involve the constabulary because we all know how the Yakuza can infiltrate law enforcement. As you can imagine, looking in the mirror first thing in the morning can be pretty horrifying for me at the best of times but to stand there electric razor in hand only to realize I don’t have a head, would take it to another level entirely!
I figure I’m going to stop thinking and just hand over the basket of balls from now on.
I might even offer Lucy a membership form next time she comes in.
Thanks for listening Readers and I hope to see you next month……..?
