By Larry Canning.
Coming to you, live, from the biggest stage in world golf, Bong Bong Place Mittagong, it’s “The 2019 Larrys”.
Here’s your host ……. Larry.
Welcome, folks, to this very special edition of the Larrys. Special, because it’s been a year where some of our most awarded players have again stood up and performed. Yes, the boys are back in town and they’re showing the youngsters a thing or two about being a bit of a knob.
So, folks, let’s tee it up and give it a slap!
Our first “Larry” is awarded to the player with the least regard for their caddy. Actually I call this award “The Sandra” because of an incident with my wive on my bag back in the late eighties. I kind of, nearly, might have thrown my driver to her in disgust on the 4th tee during the NSW Open. She caught it but clearly didn’t approve. On the next tee I asked her if I should take a driver here. She replied with “Yeah, probably, but if you throw it to me again you’ll be taking it out of your ass!”
The nominations are:
Matt Wallace for berating his looper in the BMW championship. Matt just looks plain angry, doesn’t he? If he doesn’t win this year, watch out 2020!
This is Jordan Spieth’s first foray into this category but it goes to show how versatile he is. Jordy earnt a guernsey after this verbal exchange with his man at Pebble Beach – “Two perfect shots, Michael. You got me in the water on one and over the green on the other.”
I’ve watched this footage over and over and it’s stunning how much Michael swings the club like Jordan Spieth.
It’s a good thing Matthew Ebenezer Kuchar has $46 million to draw on after what he did to his stand-in caddy at the Mayakoba Classic. Building a wall around his property to keep the angry Mexicans out will cost a bloody fortune. For this reason, Dooooch is the 2019 winner!!
Next, we have the “Larry” for a player who enforces a rule the best. Nominations are:
Christina Kim for not so much calling a penalty on Kendall Dye and Dewi Weber during the LPGA Q School – Dye gestured to Weber’s caddy what club her boss was hitting.
When the caddy nodded it was an 8-iron, both Dye and the innocent Weber were hit with 2 shots. It was the ensuing tweet by Kim to her 50,000 followers and the tirade that followed that upset the two girls… who both went on to miss their cards. Kim won her card.
(Imagine having 50,000 followers!)
Both women who were playing with Lee Ann Walker in this year LPGA Senior Championship are sharing the second nomination. Lee Ann started off with a miserable round of 85 and was a couple over after 5 holes in her second round when she was penalised for having her caddy stand behind her as she lined up her shots. After calculating how many infringements she had to that point she was penalised 58 shots. I couldn’t find the two playing partners names but lets just call them – Olga Observant and Oliver Oblivious.
Matt Kuchar becomes a multiple nominee for his performance in winning the unwinnable hole off Sergio in the Matchplay Championship. The volatile Spaniard missed his 8-footer for a win on the 7th hole.
Assuming Matt would give him the 4-inch return putt he backhanded it back past the hole. “Aha” said Matt to himself, “Here’s an opportunity, everyone thinks I’m a ripper of a bloke so if I can just find a rules official and pretend to ask an innocent question, I can win the hole”. Sure enough, it worked and Kuchar went on to win the match 2up on the 18th.
This gained the Smiley Pants his second “Larry” for the year
Slow play has been in the news all year so it’s only appropriate we create a new category.
JB Holmes is the first of two nominations for his magnificent performance while attempting a 15-footer in the Genesis Open.
It involved yardage books, where, I assume, he was just checking he was on the right hole, multiple plumb-bobbing, rearranging the stripe on the ball etc. Three minutes later he had missed. It wasn’t so much this putt but the next one from one foot that really got my attention.
If you think it takes a long time to say Bryson James Aldrich DeChambeau, then try and watch him putt. I haven’t actually timed this particular putt he faced at the Northern Trust Open but I reckon it takes approximately one hour. And I feel he fully deserved it when he finally struck his ball only to have it deflected from the hole by the course superintendent who had begun to mow the green. Bryson is a clear winner of the “Larry”.
Finally, one of my all-time favourites is the “Larry” for the funkiest name on Tour.
Part of playing in Asia is looking after some of the community who may be struggling to feed their family. It’s no surprise one of the girls on the Korean tour is famous for helping more than her share… good on you Bi Mi Soop.
Driving in Asia can be flat-out dangerous according to one young Aussie player. He was in a cab a few months ago when it looked like he was heading for an accident. “I’m just grateful I was sharing the cab with Indian Star Veer Ahlaway.
And the Larry goes to – Apparently there was quite the uproar on the ultra-conservative Chinese Tour when one of the players’ wives had one too many Sav Blancs and walked into the wrong motel room. You can imagine the pandemonium when she climbed into bed got all amorous with who she thought was her hubby only to realise she was in the cot with big hitting Pro, Rong Wang!
Happy New Year, readers, and thanks for reading.
