Larry Canning: All I want for Christmas is…

HOE Hoe Hoe.

That sounds like my first three shots on the range last week!

You know when you’re form isn’t great when you spot one of the green keepers driving towards you with a ute full of soil.

I swear the sod I took with my first shot could have covered Donald Trumps entire scalp. What’s more it would have looked a darn side better than his current divot.

Not only is a “Hoe” a tool used to help repair the damage I often do to a golf course but it’s also the term used by Santa when he squeezes down through a chimney with a sack full of Srixon Soft Feel pills. And what does this bring me to, I ask… Yes readers, it’s my Santa list for 2018.

Let’s begin shall we?

What is it with blokes my age projecting terrible little globules of fluid from their mouths when in the middle of a sentence. I loathe people who spit intentionally but I’m not sure I’m any better when I look at the person I’m trying to have a sensible conversation with, and spot a droplet slowly drifting through the air from my gob and landing right on the side of my unfortunate listener’s cheek. It’s even worse when they swipe their face as if to shoo a fly away. My condition became particularly nasty when Jordan Spieth’s name came into prominence a couple of years ago.

Santa can you please bring me a year’s supply of those face masks I see Japanese tourists wear?… Not for me, for the people I’m talking to.

At some point during the course of 2019, I’d like to fix my own pitch mark. Not hitting a green on the full can be very demeaning when you are supposed to be a golf Pro. I have a golf bag full of really nice pitch forks I’ve collected over the years and the only time I use them is wipe Kangaroo crap off the soles of my ASICs.

Santa please send me a book, DVD, or app on “The 5 fundamentals of making a pitch mark”.

It’s no secret I haven’t won a keno ticket off my mates for roughly 3 years and I really don’t see this changing in the near future. I know its too much to ask for you, Santa, to bring me some ability but if you could maybe help me pick the right numbers so at least I can have a share in some winnings from my investment.


Please Santa, can you bring me a launch monitor that records my driver swing speed as 100 mph? Oh, and I’ve run out of GUR Stakes to put into my golf bag.

Everyone says someone with my petite build shouldn’t wear a shirt with horizontal stripes but for the life of me I have never been able to find one with vertical stripes! Please help me Santa?

Finally Santa, and I know this big ask, but I’d really like a Toyota Prius. I reckon the only thing I own that’s not a hybrid is my Holden Commodore. Gather round kids and I’ll explain.

It all started back about 15 years ago when I replaced my blade 2-iron with an Adams 18 degree Hybrid. It looked a little strange but I must say but when I caught my fist shot way lower on the face than you’re supposed to and watched my nut fly up in the air like a ground-to-air missile, I fell hopelessly in love. Recently I was out covering the NSW Open for Macquarie Radio and spotted my old mate Matt Miller on the practice range. Matt would admit that he’s not one of the longest players on the Australasian PGA Tour but when it comes to constantly good ball striking, he is number one! One of the secrets to his success is the amount of head covers he has in his bag. His driver, three wood, 2 iron, 3 iron, 4 iron, 5 iron all have little hats on them which means none of them are irons. His irons actually start at number 6. When I asked Matt about his set make up he said “Give me a few more years and I’ll be pulling a head cover off my Sand Wedge.”

Please Santa, I want to be as consistent as Matt Miller so I need to increase my inventory of Hybrids!

Thank you in advance Father Christmas and I’m sure when you do your due diligence on my behavior over 2018 you’ll realize I deserve all of the above.

Merry Christmas Readers and I hope all your shanks hit someone you really don’t like.


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