Early morning rant … just par for the course

Larry Canning _tee large

By Larry Canning

THE other morning, at some ridiculous hour, I was sitting in my lounge room, with a Nespresso Apregio Lungo in my left hand, a remote in the other and a plate with a jam covered crumpet on my lap.

As well as trying to avoid a serious injury from a hot slippery parcel of carbohydrates, I was attempting to watch the final round of the US Women’s PGA championship. The Fox Sports channel was telling me I was watching it but unless Lydia Ko had suddenly experienced a growth spurt and changed to left handed, I swear I was looking at Phil Mickelson trying to reel in someone I think named “Angus Berger”in the Fed Ex St Jude Classic.

Right after that, on comes a Web.com Tour event! Not a single sign of anyone resembling female the entire morning.

Rupert, if you’re reading this, please give the girls some coverage. I don’t know the official statistics on how many women live on this planet but I’m taking a stab at roughly half the population!

Speaking of statistics, has anyone checked out the PGA Tour list of figures for… well pretty well anything? I recently did and trust me, it’s absolutely mind boggling. There no less than 98 different categories on putting alone from One-putt percentage to Average putting distance of three putts when hitting the green in regulation during all third rounds.

What in God’s name do they do with such stuff? And surly there are more relevant and interesting issues to be recorded.

What about, how many smokes does it take John Daly to complete before he reaches the green on a 500 metre par five. Or strokes gained by Bubba Watson for never having a golf lesson. What about friends on Patrick Reed’s Facebook page. Maybe money lost after your wife belts you over the noggin with a 9 iron?

How would we go on the E-Z-GO Australian PGA Legends Tour with our stats? Amount of body parts that move when attempting a two foot putt. Time lost trying to find your $1.50 tee on every hole. Time saved by not hitting it hard enough to dislodge your $1.50 tee. Amount of hair lost during the final round. Strokes gained by not having sex for seven years. Money gained by not actually playing. How many rounds it takes before you break wind unsuccessfully? Amount of occasions you fake a rotator cuff injury after seeing how far past your ball your amateur partner is. Chips hit per round without hitting someone standing on the other side of the green. Chips hit twice per round.

How many holes it takes to forget the people’s names in your group. How many holes it takes to forget the group you are actually in. Times you lose your car during a three round tournament. How many rounds you can get out of one glove. How many sandwiches a Senior Tour Player doesn’t pay for?

Then we could look at the LPGA Tour –                                                                     How old a Kiwi teenager can be before she is considered a veteran? Self-respect lost by a 6 foot 4 inch male golf pro after watching someone the same weight as their umbrella hit it 30 metres past where they were in the Pro-Am.

Actually it doesn’t matter about the LPGA Tour because no one gets to watch it on TV!

Come on Rupe…. Do the stats and give half the population a crack!


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