By Larry Canning
I KNOW there are some really good blokes who travel the world in their own Learjets, win zillions and then return to their home in the Bahamas … but I’m not one of them.
Plus they don’t write in Australia’s most read golfing publications, which leaves me with absolutely no choice but to go on my annual rampage aimed squarely at all the rich, famous and absurdly talented golfers on the planet. You might think this sounds like sour grapes … Well you’re right!!
I’m a golf pro too but for reasons I just can’t fathom, I drive around in a 10 year old car, through sleet and snow on my way to the Pro-shop so I can explain to the first customer why he can’t play golf in those $300 designer jeans and how it’s better if he whacks my $28 rain pants over the top them so he can pass the “Dress Regulations” code.
Or answer the phone in the most polite voice I can conjure up after a State of Origin Party, which went way too far into extra time, only to engage into that old Pro-Shop chestnut – “What’s the earliest time I can get a game next Tuesday?”… “6.30 Sir”… “My god! Not that bloody early”… “What time would you like sir?”…. “What’s available?”…. “What time would you like sir?”… “That depends on what you have!”… “Would you mind emailing me your address so I can send three bikies around to beat the living crap out of you …Sir”
What about this little ripper – “I’d like to book four in at 10am next Saturday?”…. “Sorry Sir, that’s our club comp, there isn’t anything available until 11.30”… “Oh, nothing earlier?”… “Aaah, yes there is but your voice really shits me so you’re not playing until 11.30… Sir”.
And while I’ve got some momentum – “Morning Larry, I’d like to book into Saturday’s Monthly medal, are there any spots?”… “G’Day Nev, yeah there’s a three at 9.48”… “Who’s that with?”… “John, Bruce and Cyril”… “Shit no! Cyril is the slowest player in the club and Bruce is off 36, anything else?”… “There’s another 3 at 10.42”… Who’s in that group?”… “Harry, Frank and Bruno”… “Are you serious! Bruno never stops talking while you’re trying to hit”…. “Aaahh, here’s a spot Nev, at 11.08 with Carl, Dave and Mick… But they are really good blokes and you’re a bloody dickhead, so that won’t work either, will it?”.
How would long time world No.1 one Rory McIlroy go in a Pro-Shop? Actually, he is Irish so no-one would understand him anyway.
How about Tiger – “G’day Tiger, has my new TaylorMade driver arrived yet?”… “Sure has Jim… In fact I’m dropping it off to your wife right now… How long before you reckon you’ll be home mate?”
John Daly? – “Hey John, can you tell me if I won a ball in last Saturday’s 4Ball?”… “Yeah you did, Gazz. I’ll toss you for it, double or nothing”
Robert Allenby – “Hi Robert, I’m playing really badly and could do with a lesson mate. Can you fit me in next Saturday?”… “Oh sorry Ken, I’m being kidnapped on Saturday. I should be back by Monday though.”
Colin Montgomery – “Good morning, ProShop”…
“Hi Col, Could you look up…”…
“Hang on Col, I just wanted..”…
“PLEASE.. I’m trying to listen”….
“You’re supposed to be listening to me!”….
Adam Scott – “Hello is this Adam?”…
“Yes it is Frank, how can I help you?”….
“I was wondering what you have in the way of putters?”…..
“I’ve got an absolute beauty and it would suit you to a tee… were you planning to play in a comp next year?”
Wow, I feel so much better now. In reality, I actually love all the members and guests who ring the Pro-Shop each day and enjoy the fact that the game of golf brings us all together in one way or another…. But would you mind not ringing me right after a tour star has just picked up another cheque for 1.5 million big ones and I’m standing behind the counter in my $28 rain pants trying to stay warm? Particularly after a State of origin game…