By Larry Canning
I KNOW I often come up with some strange stuff in my regular columns but I’m thinking this month’s effort might just break through the bizarre barrier…. even by my standards.
Read on if you dare!
I had this watershed moment the other day when I walked out of the shower. I have a huge mirror in my ensuite which doesn’t miss a single thing. When we built the house I was a slender, handsome, thirty year old with sexy blue eyes and a fringe. I welcomed the mirror back then and frequently dropped the towel and sang to it. Stuff like “This guy’s in love with you” or “Do you think I’m sexy”? I even used “Walk on the wild side” by Lou Reed for a while until someone explained what the song was about.
But the years.… and I…. haven’t been kind to my body and now I find myself walking out of the shower backwards so I can’t see myself. This created a huge problem the other morning when I was backing out of the ensuite and got my towel caught in the door as it closed. I bent over to fix the problem forgetting my wife Sandra was lying in bed directly behind me. Her initial reaction was to scream out load. Then when she realised it wasn’t in fact just a nightmare, scream again.
That horrible event has inspired me to do something about my extremely unattractive curves and I’m embarking on a campaign to shed some kilos and dare I say, begin to walk out of the shower in a forward type motion. What I need to kick my crusade off, is a famous golfer I can model myself on.
Now let’s see…. he needs to be roughly my age which straight away rules out my boyhood hero, Adam Scott. Like I’ve said before, to me Adam is the most perfect golf professional I have ever seen, from his physique to his head to his golf swing. When he won the Masters and came back to Australia to support our Tour, I was nearly arrested for stalking him. I’ve since moved on but I have to say it was a difficult time for me. I’ve taken all his photos in our bedroom down and even gone back to a normal length putter. I still have a couple of things I need to change like occasionally calling my next door neighbour’s dog “Steve Williams” and sitting down to dinner in an old green jacket I bought at Vinnies.
I probably need to look at who is in their fifties and still winning a TaylorMade Staff Bag full of cash each year. Colin Montgomery? No he looks worse than me…. Bernard Langer?…. that would require a lot of expensive surgery…. AHA!….. Miguel Angel Jimenez! Yes I can do that!
He is flamboyant, has great posture and still a little bit of a gut. In fact, he pushes that stomach out in front of him like he’s using it to warn his competitors of impending danger if they mess with him…. just like he did with Keegan Bradley a couple of months ago at the World Matchplay event in the States. Keeg’s tried his best to intimidate my new idol with his extra foot in height and those crazy looking stares he often gives to his golf ball when he goes into the World’s most bizarre Pre-Shot routine but the “Spanish Ranga” pushed that gut out like a male Elephant Seal on the hunt for a bit of action. Not even Bradley’s caddy could make any inroads against that threatening thorax.
Sure, I might struggle a bit with the pony tail thing and I’m not exactly a red head…. (I do have a red face though).
My journey begins today…. which is handy because by the time this column is published, I will have a few weeks to prepare. I’ll probably have to empty the bar fridge out and store up on some calories with some red meat and carbs.
Wish me luck kids!
PS – After all these years I reckon I’ve forgotten some words to a couple of songs…. Does anyone have the lyrics to Rod Stewart’s – “Do you think I’m sexy”?