Forget the personal inspection, a golfer’s bag tells all

By Larry Canning

I’VE just been on one of those golf forums sites. The topic of conversation was a new model of iron soon to be released by one of the biggest golf manufacturers in the world.

There was an extraordinary amount of conflicting opinions and I found it really difficult to fully understand where they were coming from. I really need the person in front of me to get a handle on what they are trying to explain and what’s behind their opinions.

Remember that old saying – “Opinions are like Anuses … Everyone has one?”

I guess you can’t argue with it but it doesn’t really give us much of an insight into the character or what they may prefer in golf equipment does it?

That’s unless a bloke enters the Pro-Shop, crawling backwards, naked.  “Aaah yes Roy, I see you prefer a club with a large sweet-spot.”

Or maybe – “Wow! Cyril, you clearly would love a new set but you’re not willing to pay much, are you?”

Imagine someone suffering from Bi-Polar! Would he have two anuses?

I reckon golf opinions are more closely associated to the person’s golf equipment and more specifically, the golf bag.

There’s the classic “Cart bag” you see organised, over thirty year olds using because it has all the essential, practical issues addressed perfectly. There will be a large pocket on the side for … aaah … large items like the woollen jumper with the club logo on the front just above the left nipple and one of those bag covers that fold up like a road map. There will be a number of side and front pockets which are exactly the right size for wallet, watch, score card, that old lolly tin you keep your equally old tees, pencils and sharpeners in and an external piece of technology where you store three golf balls and some spare tees. This bag can be parked on a motorised cart as the name would suggest or a three wheel chrome buggy which may or may not have suspension. Cart Bagger’s irons will all have covers on them and will start at 5 with 3 and 4 hybrids. If you want to start a fight with a Cart Bagger, move all his clubs around so they are out of order.

Then you have the young, or if you’re me and assuming you’re going to reach the age of 110, middle aged golfer who is looking for something a little smaller so Jetstar won’t fine you $100 for excess baggage. You also want to look cool (and not middle aged), which makes the “Stand bag” the bag of choice. Particularly the one I have which looks very classy! Plus it has the facility to be carried over your shoulder if there are no buggies left.  My wife and caddy, really appreciates this. She hasn’t actually told me this to my face but when you’ve shared as many wonderful experiences as we both have, sometimes you don’t need to use words at all. It’s like a beautiful form of romantic mental telepathy. In fact, after one round in Queensland when she had to carry the bag for 18 holes, she didn’t feel the need to speak to me for three days. The Stand bagger quite often uses semi-blade clubs with very few hybrids and often a driver that doesn’t match and a funky putter cover (because we’re cool).

The third option is the “Staff Bag”. This bad boy is the epitome of “I’m here and take a gander at my gear!” It’s not written anywhere buts it’s understood you need to be a single figure handicapper to own one. This person also needs to be cashed up because he can’t wheel one of these around without a golf cart. The biggest advantage with this baby is the room in the big pocket. You can hide up to 12 stubbies in there for those private golf club rounds where you’re not supposed to drink on the course. You also should have clubs matching the brand name emblazoned over the bag or the whole look loses credibility. The typical Staff Bagger will usually have the matching woods as well, mainly because the wood covers match the colour scheme of the bag which he will store back into the boot of his handsome 4 wheel drive car.

Yes Readers, personalities and opinions are way more like golf bags than parts of the anatomy and a damn site easier to read.

Forums…. Schmorums!