By Larry Canning
THE effects of missing the cut have been in the headlines of late and I feel I can speak with some credibility on “Post Cut Depression” or PCD. I thought I’d share my experiences on the subject and try and help some of my less experienced Aussie colleagues.
This nasty affliction can turn a perfectly normal golfer into an untidy, alcohol fuelled self-absorbed man in the space of only a few hours if left untreated.
Common effects of PCD are the sudden urge to ask anyone in the street “Do you know who I am?” Sometimes this can just be the result of forgetting yourself after 19 beers but usually it comes from the loss of self-confidence which comes when at least 60 blokes just smacked your arse.
Another symptom is multiple hallucinations. I remember missing the cut in the Australia Open one year and as I walked out of the locker room, I swore I saw three French People Smugglers come at me with the intent of piling me into a golf cart and selling me into sexual slavery.
I even rang my mum, then handed the phone to one of my assailants. Mum told him she had a very specific set of skills and she would find them …. then remove their genitals. Turned out it was only a small bump on my head I received with a sand-wedge after I told my caddy he wasn’t going to be paid that week either.
I again finished just one short of a weekend jersey in the Thailand Open in the 1980’s and fell fowl of an evil pick pocket. This mongrel waited until I was at my most vulnerable then pounced. I was standing at the trough in a Bangkok restaurant taking a well-earned leak when this evil human took advantage of my susceptibility and ripped off my travellers cheques from my back pocket! Well what could I do? By the time I had turned off the hose and wound it back, he was halfway to Singapore!
I was that upset and confused, I thought I had gone to the Cop Station and reported the crime to a Police Officer. Turned out I had mistakenly gone to a strip club and given my statement to a pole dancer.
For the uninitiated the onset of PCD usually begins around the 10th or 11th tee on Friday. The first thing you feel is the need to take far less time checking your yardages and a lot more time checking how much cash you have left in your wallet.
Around the 14th your caddy begins to look around the galleries trying to spot a good sort to exchange glances with and generally loses interest in your game. I had a looper who I once asked what he thought I should hit and he answered: “Try the middle of the face”.
By the 16th hole, you start going into denial and blame anything and everyone for you being in this position. I remember verbally abusing my Adidas Ultra-Comfort size 12’s when I failed to extract my ball from a Royal Adelaide green side bunker only to watch as it trickled back into my own footprint.
On the 18th you may even turn into a self-centred opportunist in front of thousands of gallery members. You now those excited little kiddies who spend the whole day waiting behind the last green in the hope of receiving a near new TaylorMadeTour Golf Ball they can show their Mum and Dads? “Hey look Dad… Larry Canning gave me this ball and he even signed it for me as well…. I want to be just like him when I grow up”
Well, I’d just walk straight past the little tackers and head towards the loudest Sponsors Marquee with two sleeves of nuts my sponsor had given me for nothing and give them to the most inebriated guest I could find. Some people would call this networking… I just called it not having to pay for your first five beers for the night.
Yes readers, “Post Cut Depression” can really mess with your head but if can recognise the early symptoms and address them, it can be avoided. For more information, contact me and ask for your PCD Detection Pack.
[Editor’s note: Unfortunately, supplies of Larry’s PCD Detection Packs may already have been exhausted. In any case, they are not available for minors.]