By Larry Canning
G’Day Santa, How’s the fam? Any chance of a couple of presents this Christmas? I’ve been an excellent boy for the past 12 months.
OK, there might have been a couple of incidents, and I figure its better you find out from me and not one of your under-cover agents. I reckon I spotted one the other day sitting on a park bench pretending to read the paper… it was the green striped socks that gave it away.
Selmsie and I were 1 up on Tezz and Newmo playing the seventh at Highlands Golf Course. This little ripper of a hole requires a lay-up with an iron to the corner of the dogleg and then a wedge over the picturesque lake onto a generous green which slopes from the back to the front. Once you have avoided any problems with the tee-shot the key is to leave your wedge shot under the hole. When I say I hit a gorgeous 95 yard wedge, I’m being more than a little humble.
The flight on this beauty should have been painted on a canvas and hung behind the bar in the clubhouse. Anywhoo… too much backspin and three putts later and its back to square. Then Sant’s, I might have tossed the offending putter past my partner and in the general direction of my golf bag.
I also could have spent the best part of the October long weekend binging an entire series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You know the series where she shoots “Demon Glory” with a cross bow?
Oh Yeah, and if you count this as being a little vain then there’s another naughty incident. I was waiting for my pupil to arrive for his lesson last week when I thought I’d hit a couple of short irons myself. The first shot I hit went straight as a bloody arrow, then the next, and the next… it was easily the best five shots I’ve hit in a row since 1987! Then I made that most common of practice range mistakes and tried for a 6th. Sure enough, a big over the top chunky pull 30 feet left! Now smitten with disappointment, I went for a 7th which was a clean shank 30 yards right. This is when it turned a little weird –
Theres not another ball out on this freshly cut fairway except for my five perfect 9 irons which were sitting in a lovely group that small, with one hand I could have swept them into an Air fryer, covered them with Leggos Italian sauce and made a lovely bolognaise!
And standing out like the nose on my face was that smelly “Brahma Bull”, 30 feet left of the pile and a raging “Hilary Swank“, 25 yards to the right.
Before I could think clearly, I found myself striding out to pick up the two shockers, put them in my pocket and pretend they never happened. What would my pupil think if he saw them? Who wants a lesson from a pro who hits it worse than they do?
At his point Santa, I know what you’re thinking “What sought of precious wanker am I!” and you are probably right given I’m now thinking of incorporating a brand-new routine between all my lessons. I’ll place 5 balls in a small pile about 120 metres out, go back to the tee and lean on my 9 iron until the next person arrives.
Hopefully the lesson will begin with – “Hi Larry, are they your shots out there in that tiny grouping?”
“Haha…Yeah Clem, Just checking if I still can hit the ball okay..”
“Hit it OK!! You should go back out on the Senior Tour”
“Aaahh yeah, you’re probably right, but these days, I just want to help my students hit the ball like I can.”
So Santa, if you can see past my temper, my ego and my penchant for watching 1990 teenage vampire shows, can I please have the following?
- A new Air Fryer.
- Some type of clubhead cleaner to remove ball marks from the heel of my short irons
- A bag full of assorted “bounce back birdies”. If you are out of stock, I’ll take some “bounce back pars”
My neighbour and fellow Highlands Golf Club member, Steve. (As you can tell by the name, he is of Italian heritage). Steve… or Steve as we call him, had this great idea. It might have been after three schooners but at the time, it made a lot of sense.
To attract a sponsor, Steve’s plan is to grab a pair of scissors, cut the brand name into the crown of my cap, wear it on the next round, preferably in the middle of summer, and make sure as many fellow golfers see it and make a comment. But the brilliance of his concept really comes to fruition when I take the cap off, walk into the clubhouse with my new sponsor’s brand name now sunburnt onto my fringeless forehead!
Thanks again Santa. I’m a little short on disposable cash this year, so is it ok if I leave out the same biscuit you didn’t eat last year and a can of mid strength beer? Also, would you mind making sure you park the sleigh on Steve’s back lawn? That thing Rudolph left out the back last year could have passed as that extrordinary landmark in the Southern Highlands – “The Big Potato” .
Luv Ya Mate
Larry.
