By Larry Canning
If famous golfers weren’t, well, famous golfers, what would I see them being?
I wrote this in a piece in Inside Golf roughly 15 years ago when Jim Furyk had hair, John Daly didn’t look like he should be rocking up to a tournament in a sleigh and Elin Woods made us realize how important a 9 iron is to our set makeup.
With the new breed of Tour Player and new strain of excessive money on offer for said players, I figured it was time to bring my overflowing envy out into the public and take ”the snakes hiss” out of everyone who is richer than me.
So, if Rory McIlroy wasn’t the most naturally gifted golfing athlete who seems to win everything that doesn’t have “major” written on the trophy, what would he be?
This a tough one actually… Let me get back to you on that.
Jon Rahm, Now here’s an easy one! I see the big unit wearing a black suit and sunglasses whispering into his wrist while standing right next to a Spanish bank vault holding 8 hundred million dollars which belongs to some filthy rich sportsman who just signed to play for another team.
I reckon Patrick Cantlay would have been a young, well dressed, conservative politician pushing his opinion on the right to be paid appropriately even if you agree to donate your time to advance a cause close to you. – “If you vote for me I will make sure you are all well paid if you take a week off your 20 million dollar a year job to give something back to the foundation of your own success. My fellow Americans, please now take off your caps, throw them on the ground and say after me – I hate you, I hate you and I don’t wanna play anymore”
I can see Cam Smith wearing hi vis gear with splashes of concrete on his steel capped boots buying the first shout and telling his mates how the junior footy side he loves coaching, just won the semi’s last Sunday.
Hang on a second, Isnt that Adam Scott sitting at the Black Jack table in a black tie suit? My god I could have sworn he just ordered a vodka martini, shaken not stirred?
Now for Rory… nah, sorry I still haven’t nailed that one yet. Promise I’ll get back.
Tommy Fleetwood would be the base guitar player for the up and coming English rock band, “Really Hot Spring Onions”. A laid back sorta dude yet a cult figure in the entertainment industry who is adored by young women and linked to many high profile female celebrities.
OK lets get the most obvious famous golfer out of the way, shall we? Bryson DeChambeau is called “The Scientist” for obvious reasons and I have absolutely no hesitation pointing out that’s exactly what he would have been in another life. But what would have been his scientific calling? I’m going with Astrophysics. If I’m sitting in a Saturn 5 rocket about to be launched into space with the wind coming off my left shoulder, outside temperature at 23.5 degrees and a slightly moist launching pad, a result of the light misty rain, I’m not touching the accelerator until Bryson says – “G’Day Lazz, all good for take-off now mate”
Victor Hovland would have been a children’s book author under the pseudonym of Mister Happy Pants.
Jason Day would have been a Sperm Donor.
Brooks Keopka can be playing golf in another hemisphere than I’m in but still intimidate the living crap out of me. At the Grange Golf Course in Adelaide last year I found myself walking down a fairway during a practice round with Matthew Wolff, Jason Kokrak, Chase Keopka and Brooks. I kid you not readers, other than Brooks’ wife and manager I was the only other one there. While I was watching Kokrak’s second shot into the 15th I strayed a little close to Brooks. I’m talking maybe 6 feet. I glanced up and saw him staring at me. I immediately farted in my own pants and changed direction toward the trees where I belonged. Outside of the strange, frightened sound my anus made, not another word was needed. He would have been a cage fighter with an imposing name involving – “Brootality” and “Karnivorous”.
Even though Im still struggling with an idea for Rory’s other job, I need to have a crack. Now lets see – Chipping golf balls into a washing machine at the age of 3, outrageously talented human…..all the attributes required to be anyone’s Best Man at their wedding? Captain of your over 30’s hurling team but what about his profession? All that natural grace and power would have to be utilized somehow so we’re definitely not talking a certified accountant or grocery store assistant. He has a bit of go in him as we saw at the Ryder Cup so maybe I can see him climbing into the cockpit of the Irish equivalent of an F14 Tomcat? Well he is around the same height as Tom Cruise. And who’s his wingman? No not Jay Monahan, silly… Shane Lowry of course. I can see the two of these rascals starting in a bar fight with a bunch, sorry, crew of Navy blokes.
As always Readers, Im very keen to get some feedback on this question, in particular, Rory who I’m clearly still struggling with. C’mon don’t be shy…
