By Larry Canning
When I first heard Jon Rahm had joined LIV golf last year, It was extraordinary, in fact almost dangerous how quickly I landed in the office chair while opening the computer lid, all in one flurry of geriatric yet weirdly graceful movements. I just had to find out more!
The first headline I came across was something corny along the lines of “Rahmbo takes aim at…” …. I can’t remember, but it was cringingly cliché.
I assume if you’ve read anything I’ve written, or God forbid, had to edit it over the past 20 years, you’ll understand my ongoing, fragile ability to stay on one path for more than a sentence, so it didn’t take long to be deflected from John Rahm’s controversial decision and how it would affect World Golf Peace and start looking up famous players nicknames.
Of course there are the blatantly obvious and recognisable ones which we have no choice but to put up first – “The Golden Bear”, for the younger readers, that’s 18 time Major Winner, Jack Nicklaus. Apparently, Jack was awarded this most glorious of titles by Aussie golf journo, Don Lawrence. Arnold Palmer was “The King”, and rightly so! And the third member of that famous menage a trois was of course “The Black Knight”, Gary Player.
If anyone’s remotely interested, my very first set of golf clubs were Slazenger……..You know what, I’m sensing most of you now have your finger poised on the top right side of the page to turn over?? Its ok, Ill forge ahead with no more “ME” stuff. (Now take your hand away from that page!).
More recently there has been a bloke named Tiger who was tagged by his strangely controlling father, Earle. Given Dad’s first attempt at naming his son, Eldrick Tonte Woods, maybe that’s the best thing he ever did for his only child? Does that even count? Can your Dad give you a nickname? If so, what would King Charlie put up for Harry?… Yes I know that’s bitchy… just sayin.
Our own Greg Norman burst onto the scene at a pace only matched by some kind of starving, carnivorous predator lurking in the oceans surrounding a huge island called Australia. I can’t find the name of the original journalist who came up with the name “The Great White Shark” because I suspect it’s been removed from the internet for fear of old ‘Shark Pants’ having to fork out some kind of spotter’s fee.
So what about some not so flattering nicknames? Way back when even I was a skinny kid without a single hair growing out of my earholes, there was a crazy gifted American player who won the Masters, named Craig Stadler. Now again youngsters, you’ll need to google this guy but his unfortunate label was “The Walrus”. The reason why? This poor dude looked exactly like a bloody walrus.
Colin Mongomery was another hell of a player who was recently voted in Inside Golf’s “Bunker to Bunker” segment by yours truly as the player most deserving of a major victory. Maybe Col has brought this on himself with his constant oncourse whinging and complaining but his nickname was “Mrs Doubtfire”. His demeanour and let’s say, slightly less athletic physique, might have the fuelled his 1991 Ryder Cup team mate, David Feherty to brand him with this – unless you were one of Monty’s loved ones – humorous label.
I suppose we could look at players who, like Tiger, have names beginning with something surely not what they were given at the department of Death, Birth and Marriages. Bubba, Boo, Buzz, Fuzzy, Radar, Skip, Chip, Doc, Chi Chi.
My old mate Brian Jones had the nickname of “Donk”. I haven’t had it confirmed but I believe (and hope) it’s because of the way he laughs??
Finally, I know I said I would leave ME out of this but I need to get this off my chest. I have two nicknames – “The Sloth” and “Long Ball”. With the help of old mate – Wiki Pedia, I can explain. It was a case of needing to replace “The Sloth” because, and I quote – “Sloths are Neotropical mammals (and the reason I didn’t play much in Europe), constituting the suborder of Folivora, including the extant arboreal Tree Sloths and the extinct Terrestrial Ground Sloths. I became extinct, readers!!
It had nothing at all to do with me having crazy long fingernails or a face resembling a cross between an Orangutan and Ed Sheeran. Sure, I might have walked a little slowly between shots but with legs as long as mine, I’m kind of top heavy. I could trip over an Adam Scott divot!… sober!
And if you’re thinking “Longball” came from my athletic ability to rip it past Rahmbo, again what appears to be an obvious explanation is off the mark. Speaking of Mark, it was my silly Brother in Law (yes we all have one), Mark Churcher, who blurted it out once at a bar. As you can imagine, I tend to mix… sorry… socialise in some of the more exclusive establishments in Mittagong so the original wording had to be altered to Long Ball. Now before Rob, our new [Inside Golf] Editor is flooded with 60-year-old women asking for my phone number, don’t bother. Sadly it’s not what you think.
As is always the case, I would love some feedback from you with some of the cleverest, ridiculous, or quirky Nicknames you’ve heard….And Yes, they can be your own too.
Don’t be shy now…
