Larry Canning: All I want for a great 2019 golfing Christmas is …

Hi Santa… You still there?

I know our relationship is a little one sided but can you help me out one more time?

I’ll take that as a yes.

My first prezzy, if the Elves can arrange it a couple of weeks early, is in fact a Prezzy Cup victory. I’d love to watch Ernie Els saying into the microphone something along the lines of: “I’m extrimmley prud of my tim for the way they played and stuck togither”.

Actually Santa, while were talking Presidents Cup, what did you make of the Captains Picks for this year?

We both know Ernie had a couple of flat out no brainers with Sungjae Im and Jason Day. I had more chance of being picked than Jason had of not being selected. And the young Korean? – After dominating the 2018 Korn Ferry Tour, Im shot off the grid on the big track with an absolute bullet and didn’t take the foot off the pedal right up until November! The only thing not moving at the speed of light in his so far short but extraordinary career is his takeaway! If the wind picks up at Royal Melbourne he could go through three different club changes before he reaches the top.

In fact Ernie didn’t stun any of us with his choice of Adam Hadwin and Joaquin Niemann either did he?

Hadwin is as solid as the skull of a North Canadian Moose and Niemann looks like he’s going to be the biggest thing ever to come out Chile that doesn’t have a soccer ball attached to it.

Then we had Tiger’s cutting edge selections!! If he hadn’t have picked himself he would have needed to be put into witness protection. Plus a current US Open Champ who was actually ranked 9th on the official list was a must as well. Tony Finau is strong, consistently near the top of the leaderboard and very popular member of previous US Teams… which brings us to Patrick Reed. I know the guy can play his pill and he was your partner at last year’s Ryder Cup but really, Tiger? The only sense I can make of his selection is his unofficial World Number One at giving an opponent the shits!

Anywho… Back to me Santa. 

Can I please have a blue flashing light and siren? In fact, I reckon the Elves on the production line could probably churn out a few of these babies. As soon as someone in front of me takes more than three minutes to find his ball I want to slip the light and siren on top of the cart, just like Starsky and Hutch used to do, then drive right through their group.

I’d really love 18 nice soft flagsticks too please? For two reasons. It would be nice to think I’m constantly belting the flag with another perfectly struck iron shot and bouncing clean off the green but sadly it’s more for the semi-bladed flop shots I often attempt. And secondly – If I bend over to retrieve my ball from the hole and belt my forehead on the flag one more time, I’m going to bawl my eyes out.

I’d like my own Rules Official. In fact, can I have my own Rules?

I’d like my own Rules Official. In fact, can I have my own Rules?

What about an iPhone app that is connected by wifi to your pencil? Stay with me now Santa…. When you put more than a six on the marker’s side of your card, your phone automatically rings. You answer it with something like – “Oh No!… What’s that you say? You’re at the Vets with him now and its touch and go?”

Finally Santa, can I trouble you for an extra-large packet of flexibility. When I was recently confronted with another Mate slapping his nut 20 past where I figured I was going to wind up I gave my drive an extra rotation of the lower pelvic region.

I wound up having to drive into the Physio still frozen in my follow through position. After some wrenching, groaning and breaking wind by me (and I think the Physio as well), followed by two schooners of muscle relaxant, I was OK.

Bottom line – apparently all my problems were stemming from my backside and a condition called Piriformis Syndrome. Santa, it was a real kick in the arse for me. Can you please help?

Merry Christmas Readers and I hope all your fat irons shots land on a sprinkler head!   

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