Larry Canning: Getting old enough to offer some very sage advice?

My God I’m getting old! I reckon my forehead resembles a 1986 Titleist Balata, my nostrils look like two Echidna’s mating and I could tell my mates some great yarns if only I could remember their names.

The reason I’m having this epiphany is I’m finding myself becoming more than a little cynical in print and on air about the FedEx Cup. I’m struggling to watch multi-millionaire tour players becoming “multi-er” millionaires. I had a conversation with one of my sons the other day who is half my age; he saw it through less sarcastic eyes. 

“It’s a Grand Final of sorts,”my son suggested.

“It keeps us interested until the last event of the Wrap Around year Dad… particularly now that the last Major is played in July.”

I hate it when your kids grow up and become sensible!!!.

The upshot is, I’ve accepted there is a commercial need for the Fed-Expensive-Cup.

So what’s this column going to be about then?…. I figured being a financially more grounded colleague who mixes in slightly different social circles, I might be in a good position to offer some financial advice on how best to invest some dosh. Not that I’m suggesting they are all about to lose their games but you just never know when you start missing a couple of shorties and suddenly it feels like you’re putting with a 34 inch Frill Neck Lizard.  

Rory McIlroy – I think step one should be buy yourself a pint of Guinness. Maybe even shout the whole bar a Guinness!… In fact, buy Guinness!! Who better to promote the brand all over the world than maybe Ireland’s favourite (well, tied with Shane Lowrey), sporting hero. The only issue I see is that your exciting, free flowing golf game isn’t exactly matched to the painful 19 minutes it takes to poor a bloody pint of the dark stuff. 

Xander Schauffele – Hey Xand, You’re probably aware you have a beautiful golf swing, simmering good looks and a bank account rivaling Colonel Sanders but did you know you also have a magnificent name? I reckon you should whack some not so hard earned into a chain of patisseries across the USA. The signature dish would be Almond Encrusted Lemon-Xander-Nut-Schauffele.

Brooks Keopka – Well something to do with brute force and intimidation? Despite her approximate 50 kilo’s weight, my wife Sandra possess very similar traits. She only ever reveals these characteristics with her husband or one of our “6 foot 3 plus” naughty sons. In her other life she works in the medical industry, so maybe something along those lines perhaps…. Nursing??. No that’s just being silly, there’s no way you could fit those biceps into a Nurses outfit. Invest in Hospitals?? Mainly targeted for the poor Tour Players who have tried to land their ball somewhere near yours… or hold you up.

Justin Thomas – I know your Dad is a Club Professional in America and if that’s anything similar to being an Australian Club Professional like me then he might need some psychological help. Perhaps an investment in some nice sanitariums in places like “Happy Hills” or “Paradise Plateau”. Why not make them golf specific with a driving range and a putting green? Troubled Club Professionals could keep teaching through the day. It wouldn’t matter if no-one turned up, they (We) could pretend. You might need a TAB and a halfway bar as well.

Patrick Reed – Just buy some friends mate.

Bryson Dechambeau – Shares in Rolex.

Tony Finau – I’d definitely be taking a serious look at throwing some Benjamin Franklins at prosthetic limbs targeting the ankle region.

Matt Kucher – Well you’ll just hang onto it, won’t’ you?

Can I just slip in my borderline cynical but positive reference now? Of course I can. I’m writing this, not my son.  

Did anyone notice what happened on the “We play for about 5% percent of what they do but the pressure is 500% tougher” Tour? Commonly known as the Korn Ferry Tour. What is a Korn Ferry anyway?

While Rory was winning enough to trump the US President’s offer to buy Greenland, some very talented Aussies were in a far more perilous battle for their careers in the Korn Ferry Tour Finals. Whilst there was a couple of hard luck stories it was great to see Cam Percy and Cam Davis join compatriot and fellow “Cam” Smith on the Big Stage for 2020 season.

The name “Cam” would actually look pretty good on the FedEx Cup don’t you think??




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