So this was my morning today:
Jump out of bed; I call it jumping but it’s probably more like a gradual build up of momentum with my right leg extending out to the right until I can throw it with enough impetus to pull the rest of my upper torso to a semi upright position.
Yes, I know what you’re thinking but throwing my right leg to the left would only result in it being thrust back at a speed that could cause a serious hip displacement.
A cup of Nespresso Ristretto from the East African Arabicas and a crumpet from aisle 6 at Woolies and I’m sitting on my lounge watching the latest edition of “who’s going to be a millionaire on the PGA Tour?” Scrolling down the leader board I notice a sad lack of Aussie flags until I get to 50th placed Curtis Luck. There’s also no Brooks Keopka, Dustin Johnson or Tiger Woods and I’m struggling to stay interested until I spot one of the quirkiest players on the tour, Bryson DeChambeau. He’s always worth a watch as much for his zany conversations with his lab assistant/caddy as he is for his brilliant play.
Sure enough, after calculating the velocity of his intended swing speed divided by the amount of steps in the shaft of his 8 iron, he stands over his ball, arms outstretched like he’s a bare foot water skier. Off flies his ball towards the green, finishing exactly pin high 5 feet left of the flag; which I know won’t come out of that hole until he has finished his putting. In goes the putt for birdie and golf’s version of Karl Kruszelnicki is now just two back of the leader.
Ah yes, the leader… I’ve heard talk of this brilliant young 20 year old big hitting collegiate player who has done wonderful things as an amateur and is showing signs he could be the next big thing on the PGA Tour. Sure enough up bobs Matthew Wolff right on queue setting up to his drive on the 10th tee. Now its maybe time I point out I’m a big fan of a good looking, full flowing golf swing like an Adam Scott or a Rory McIlroy so I’m interested in this kid’s action.
Suddenly … that’s one weird preshot … my god!… how can?… what the?…where is?… does that hurt?… bang!!
Did I just see that? I grabbed the remote and with my hands still shaking, rewound the Foxtel to make sure it wasn’t just a glitch in the box. Nope, that was Wolff’s golf swing alright! What’s more his ball finally lands 330 yards straight down the fairway.
I sat there motionless, staring at the screen for what must have been 5 minutes racking my tiny brain for another golf swing I’d seen even slightly resembling that. In fact, I don’t think the term – “Golf Swing” even applied. I even checked the new R&A rule book for the sub section – A Lumber Jack Having A Seizure.
The next thing I know I’m violently punching in the words Furyk, and Trevino into my keyboard. “Not even close!” “Furyk looks like Louis Oosthuizen compared to this kid”, I yelled to the computer. Now I’m trying to rationalize how the head of that golf club arrives back at the ball whilst travelling at around 125 mph.
My whole career has been spent trying to make my golf swing as efficient as possible while maintaining some kind of club head awareness. If the head of my club was travelling on the same plane back and through shouldn’t that mean I can generate more club head speed?? And doesn’t the face of the club have a better chance of aiming at the target at impact??
Clearly not! And you know what else…. It’s just not fair!!
Matthew Wolff might be the world’s best bloke but I just don’t like him, OK?
I became even more depressed an hour and a half later when the new kid is receiving a check for one and a half mill, a two year exemption on the PGA Tour and enough off course endorsements to create his own international physiotherapist franchise.
I know it’s going to sound a little harsh but I’m going to form a new section of the PGA dedicated to players with good swings. In fact let’s go one step further and create a tour where the best swing wins. Ten judges all sitting behind a table on the practice range showing scores after each player hits a seven iron. If you attempt a long iron you have an increased “degree of difficulty”. There’ll be added scores for demeanor, attire, caddy’s posture etc.
Yeah that’s a great idea Larry!
If you want to be part of this tour just contact me (Nice Action Tour Commissioner) through this link – email@example.com.