Dear Santa: Larry Canning’s Christmas Wish List

By Larry Canning.

I’ve just sent off my Christmas present list to Santa Claus and thought I’d share with you. When I refer to Santa, I’m not talking about the Tiger Woods version that was seen on Google recently. Sure he’s getting into the spirit a bit with the hat and beard but the fact he isn’t wearing a single other thread of clothing tends to take away from the essence of the gig. Then again, Tiger Claus does know how to give without any need for a glass of milk and a couple of Scotch Fingers in return. Plus he definitely has a clear understanding of who’s been naughty. 

Here’s my Christmas Wish List:

I.  A new GUR Stake. I left mine in the rough on the 8th the other day but no-one handed it in.

2.  A 100% guaranteed water proof glove – It seems every one I’ve tried seems to somehow start out really good but after a few holes into the round I find myself often asking my playing partner: “Did you see where that went?” He usually says something like: “Yeah it hooked into the trees left.”  “No mate, the driver!”

3.  I would love a set of rainwear that makes me hit it 10 yards further! You know how even the best wet weather gear seems to get in the way of your swing? I reckon if they can create a water proof outfit for Ian Thorpe which actually enhances his performance, there must be a way. I’ll even wear the cap!

4.  I need one of those mat things with handles on the side you get from Bunnings for when you need to bend down on your knees to do some gardening. I haven’t bent down to look at the slope on a green since I turned 50. Not because I don’t want too but by the time I get back up my partners have hit off the next tee and the group behind have called for Paramedics.

5.  Santa, Can you arrange for more toilets to be built on my home course? The other day I was caught short and had no choice but to take a leak behind a tree. Suddenly I spotted a black snake lying no more than 6 feet away. You know how snakes are quite territorial? Well this one just looked at me and didn’t move. No one believes me but I think I heard it giggle.

Tiger Claus … “he definitely has a clear understanding of who’s been naughty”.

6.  This might be a stretch Santa but I’d like to stage a Plebiscite.  I’m thinking along the lines of having a Yes/No Voting Form sitting next to the score card box. Those against introducing severe penalties for the “IASPAIDGAR” (I’m A Slow Player And I Don’t  Give A Rats) Movement vote No and those in favour of penalties along the lines of paying for one packet of “No Doze” for each group booked in behind or a series of therapy sessions for the Club Professional everyone complains to, vote Yes.   

7.  Finally Santa, This isn’t so much for me but one of our members here at Mount Broughton who nearly suffered a nasty injury a couple of months ago.  I was in the Pro-Shop when I received a phone call from one of our lady members asking if I could turn off the Pop-Up Sprinkler System. She explained in a very nice calm manner how the timers seem to have been set to coincide with the arrival of her group on the last couple of holes. “I’ll see what I can do” I said. Unfortunately, I had a group of golfers arrive and didn’t get a chance to do anything before I received yet another phone call, this time from her husband and nowhere near as calm as his wife.

Eventually I got hold of the green keepers and the system was altered. After 9, another bloke in that group came into the shop with a grin on his face just slightly larger than the Joker out of Batman. He explained that old mate had figured the watering system had been addressed when he decided to straddle the pop up sprinkler on the 5th because the lie was too good to take a drop. Sure enough, just as he started his backswing, up bobbed the nozzle and on came the spray straight up his shorts! Maybe some kind of male underwear sensor system for the watering system here?

Thanks again Santa (Not Tiger) and Merry Christmas to all my loyal and hopefully non-mentally effected readers… Larry


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Larry Canning
Larry Canning has been a fixture on the Australian golf scene for more years than he cares to remember. As a tour player, club professional, writer, radio presenter and annoying protagonist. He knows the game, the stories and the people and loves nothing better than to offer up his opinions and yarns on to anyone who wants to listen. As well as his media gigs, Larry also plays the Australasian Legends Tour which means he has access to some true Aussie Legends. Larry’s reports are sometimes quirky, usually very humorous, but always deeply insightful.

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