American Golf: The land of the fray…. and the home of the biff


Larry Canning 50By Larry Canning

LIKE I often say, I’m always looking for a good stoush. That’s one that I’m not personally involved in, of course. I prefer a fracas I can watch from my lounge room chair and not from the floor looking up through a half closed navy blue coloured eye.

Maybe it’s the current “Trumpster versus Hillary” element that has the whole place in state of constant angst but America, particularly during the Ryder Cup, didn’t let me down last month with a bunch of terrific battles starting with the opening bout –

In the Red corner wearing a ridiculously large visor and a shirt buttoned up that high he has to release the top button to blow his nose…BUBBA WATTTSON!

In the Blue corner with the perfectly placed part in his hair and a name that screams “Unoriginal”… DAVIS LOVE THE THIRRRRD!

This fight had Davis in control right from round one. Love showing about as much “Love” for Bubba as my neighbours Rottweiler did the night I threw I roast lamb bone over the fence in an attempt to prevent it from eating any members of my family. Sadly it landed squarely on his forehead.

Davis decided to leave Bubb off the team despite his world ranking of 7. Put another way, there were 9 Americans ranked behind Bubba who all got starts while Watson was left at home with his “Loved” Ones.

The points are in and the winner in a unanimous decision is …DAVIS LOVE THE THIRRRD!

Our next bout –

In the Red corner, wearing US Ryder Cup uniform but with no sign of any golf clubs – TIGERRRR WOOODS!

In the Blue corner armed with a camera and the authority to embarrass any high profile golfing legend he chooses – The OFFICIAL RYDER CUP PHOTOGRAPHERRR!

This bout was probably a little disappointing as Tiger was knocked out in the first round after the former world champ inadvertently lined up for the team photo only to be reminded he was only there to drive around in cart and use a walkie talkie.

Doctors were called in to make sure Tiger’s embarrassment was only a superficial injury and would not require surgery.

Our penultimate bout sees – In the red corner, wearing “I hate American golf fans” tattooed on his forehead courtesy of his thoughtful brother, an amateur journo who thought it would be a lot of fun to stir up and absolute hornet’s nest by penning an article on the eve of the Ryder Cup – DAAANNY WILLLET!

In the blue corner, (in the words of Danny’s brother – Pete), “Squeezed into cargo shorts and boating shoes  – The obnoxious dads, with their shiny teeth, Lego man hair, medicated ex-wives, and resentful children. The ‘get in the hole’ whilst high-fiving all the other members of the Dentists’ Big Game Hunt Society… AMERICAN GOLF FAAANS!

This was another one sided fight with the FANS verbally belting Danny into absolute submission with grog filled rants and retorts that our readers don’t need to see. Pete Willett clearly didn’t feel he was given as many toys as his younger brother when they were kids and did a marvellous job of ruining Danny’s first ever Ryder Cup experience.

The final bout for this evening sees – In the Red corner wearing thick curly hair and an even thicker Irish accent … RORRRRRY MCILROY!

In the Red, White and Blue corner, dressed in dare I say cargo shorts and boating shoes… A SEEMINGLY HARMLESS FAAAAN!

This bout was closer than expected with the classy Rory having a crack at quelling some of the American hostility during a practice round with a good natured invitation to a loud spectator to have a go at the putt Rory himself had just missed.

The guy played it up a fair bit then proceeded to make the 15 foot downhiller, to the applause of the gallery and the European Players, claiming a $100 reward from the Irishman.

Wow folks! That’s it for tonight. I hope you enjoyed all the contests as much as I did and hope to see you all again at next year’s Presidents Cup at the Liberty National Golf Club in New Jersey. That’s right next to New York where the fans should be much more subdued?

That’s unless President Trump builds a wall around the entire east coast then sends the bill to the Willett family!   


  1. You are Australian. You cannot help bit moan about everything American. It’s in your collective DNA. Ryder Cup, President’s Cup, Olympics – whatever. You are horrible chest-beating nationalists. Some introspection, please.

  2. I always reckon Americans do well at golf team events like foursomes because they are used to finishing each other off. Europeans/Australians aren’t so keen on that.
    Besides, we like to whinge.

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