By Larry Canning
AND what would you like for Christmas little fella?
I must have only been a kid when I last sat on Santa’s lap and heard that wonderful sentence.
Yep, I wouldn’t have been much older than 19, I reckon. Back then, gifts were a little simpler and easier to buy like a pair of joggers, a tennis racket or a cricket protector which would all just go up one size, as you grew each year. Well except for the Protector which was always extra-large.
So what would I like to see under the tree this Christmas for 2014?
I would love to have a lesson from my coaching professional, which didn’t require me to hit a single practice shot. I want instant gratification! None of this, “Just work on that drill for a couple of weeks Larry and then we’ll move onto the short game”. In fact, I want to be able to just go straight to the bar for a schooner of Squires and receive my lesson on the phone.
I’d like a golf ball that automatically aligns itself to where the break is going to go. I tried the old, “Sharpie pen line on the ball” once, but could never trust that I’d lined it up correctly. It really messed with my head when on one hole, my ball was only a few inches off the green and I wanted use my putter. My carefully applied, Sharpie pen line just happened to be aiming at right angles to my intended line. After I’d stood over the ball for about five minutes, my playing partners had to ring an ambulance. I had to be sedated and lifted onto the stretcher… still holding my putter.
I want a golf cart which speeds up slow players. It wouldn’t be that hard to design. There would be a timer built into the seat, so when the offender takes too long to play his shot, the cart simply goes to where it thinks your errant nut will go….. With him in it or not. That might sound a little harsh but I’d make sure to build in a 10 second warning device, like a siren, flashing light and a voice which shouts out…. “Will you move your arse!! I want to be home before my wife remarries!”
The new game, where we can use measuring devices, is well and truly in full flight but I don’t believe we have taken the technology to its full potential. Whenever I try and use my Laser Range Finder, my hands are shaking too much for me to have any chance of locking onto a flag about the width of my index finger. Particularly given how far from the pin my drives are finishing lately. I end up with measurements like – How far it is to the bloke with the XXL red shirt, taking a leak behind the green, Virgin Flight 317 to Melbourne and that attractive middle aged women in a dressing gown, changing a light bulb at 23 Links Place.
A mate suggested I hold the thing with my thumbs sitting under my chin but my whole head started shaking. I nearly passed out!
I want a device that has its own tripod attached to it. I might look a little like a surveyor using his dumpy but I can live with that. In fact, why not have my own surveyor trekking around the course with me. That’s it! I want my own surveyor, Santa.
Most if all Santa, I want all Australian Senior Golfer’s readers, or “websiters” if you like, to have a fantastic golfing Christmas and a 2015 without a single three putt. I know it’s still a few weeks to go but being on the Senior Tour, there’s a fair chance Ill forget what I’ve written before I turn off my computer. Plus I have the added bonus of most of the readers being about my age as well.
So all the best golfers and may you have a fantastic golfing Christmas and a 2015 without a single three putt….. Have I already said that?