A golfer in his golden years has a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde in Florida, exactly the way the pros do it.

The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the older golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short and into the water.

Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other “average” golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.

However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above came booming out from the clouds, saying: “Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one.”

The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: “Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing.”

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.

The voice boomed out again.

“Take another practice swing.”

Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited …

A long silence followed …

Then the voice again:

“Use the old ball.”

Jesus and Moses playing golf

Jesus and Moses were golfing one day. When they came to a hole with a water hazard in front of the green, Moses told Jesus to lay up short and chip to the green.

Jesus said: “If Arnold Palmer can make the green from here, so can I.”

Jesus shot and landed in the water. Jesus said “Darn”, walked on the water, reached in and got his ball. He walked back, dropped his ball and swung again. Again he landed in the water.

After Jesus retrieved his ball for the third time, Moses again told him to lay up short but, Jesus wouldn’t listen, insisting that if Arnold could make it so could he.

After hitting the ball for the fourth time, he went to go get it. While he was standing on the water two golfers came over the hill. One shouted at Moses, “Who does he think he is, Jesus?”

“No” shouted Moses, “he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer”.

Gold Coast Romance

A couple met while holidaying on the Gold Coast and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.

“It’s only fair to warn you Jody,” the man confessed. “I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.”

“Well, since you’re being honest, so will I.” Jody said. “I’m a hooker.”

“I see.” The man said, frowning. He thought for a few moments  and then brightened and smiled. “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

For more see the Golf Humour catergory

The video is expected to be part of a new promotion for the EA Sports’ Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 Video game and comes about because of a glitch in previous editions allowing Woods, or at least his digital persona, to hit shots while walking on water.

In the new video, filmed at Woods’ Orlando, Florida compound, when his ball lands on a lily pad in a water hazard, Woods nonchalantly takes off his shoes and socks, grabs a wedge and walks across the surface of the water and hits the ball in the hole.

Keen eyed observers have already pointed out that when Woods dips his club into the water prior to his shot he clearly violates Rule 13-5.

According to the rule a player must not “touch the ground in the hazard or water in the water hazard with his hand or a club.”

Though he can violate the laws of physics by walking barefoot across the surface of a lake, breaking the laws of golf is a much more serious matter.

For violating Rule 13-5 he would incur a penalty of two strokes in stroke play or loss of hole in match play.

If Woods really can work miracles, he should do something about his knee.

 LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to duff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant; “You lifted your head,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All Drivers are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: Whether you are having a good or bad round, the last three holes of the round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least once per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.

 australianseniorgolfer.com.au

The coroner replied: “That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?”

“Oh,” said Bill. “That was my provisional.”

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Somewhere in Scotland

If it doesn’t work in Sydney it will definitely fit on the Yarra.

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