Categorized | Columnists, Featured, Humour

Sorry Santa … Larry’s got quite a long list this year

Larry Canning Santa _large

By Larry Canning

JUST a minute… I think I can hear something. Aaha! It’s Santa’s little helpers clattering around putting shafts in heads, sharpening up tees and wrapping up those sleeves of tour golf balls none of us real golfers are supposed to be using.

So what do we want the big guy to leave under our tree this year?

I’d love something I could eat which is “Low Carb” but actually tastes really nice. I haven’t had it confirmed but I’m pretty sure the term carbohydrate is Latin for “Really delicious food you will enjoy but probably wind up with a big gut and diabetes”.

Don’t get me wrong, I love steak and chops and sausages and bacon and rissoles and etc but without a cute little spud sitting beside it, the poor protein looks lonely and confused. A bit like Stewart Cink at the hairdressers or Colin Montgomery on the Catwalk. The other day I was at my favourite Chinese takeaway in Mittagong and had to ask for a – “Curried Prawns and Nothing, thanks”. I can’t walk past a Bakers Delight without letting out obscenities at the white dinner rolls.

I’d also like a backswing lengthener.  “What’s that?” I hear you ask? It’s a very cleverly designed device  … that hasn’t been invented yet. I reckon Santa’s Golf Training Aid Section can come up with something over the next few weeks. I have an image of an instrument resembling a cross between a chiropractor’s chair and two draught horses tied to both the golfers’ arms pulling in opposite directions.

Please Santa, can I have a holiday to Scotland? St Andrews to be specific. While I’m there, I plan to visit the Royal & Ancient Golf Club House where they have a wonderful collection of golf memorabilia. In their words – “Our collection tells the fascinating story of British golf, through material dating from the 17th century to the present day. It is the most comprehensive golf collection in Britain, and one of the finest worldwide, celebrating golf from grass roots to international level.”

I’d like to offer my mate’s Broom Stick Putter to the collection along with a photo of him hitting golf balls on the practice range. That’s the only place Alan can still experience the game he’s loved for over 40 years. By his own admission Al was possibly one of the worst putters in the club with his trusty broom but his physical condition left him with no choice but to wield the thing so as not to embarrass himself. Now because of the “No Anchoring” ruling brought in for Professionals and AMATEURS he is relegated to the range and the nearest tennis court.  

Am I stretching it to also ask for a new driver? I’m not sure if there’s is enough adjustability to cater for all of my variations but at least as much as can be crammed into 460 cc’s of titanium. I need this new weapon to also make the adjustments needed as I start my downswing.

Now Santa, this may sound like a bit like a whinge but I’ll run it past you anyway. Since I’ve been taking a larger role in the Pro-Shop at the gorgeous Mt Broughton Golf Course in the NSW Southern Highlands, I’ve noticed how much garbage some people leave in our golf carts after they bring them in. The worst items I have to pick up and remove are soiled tissues. My wife and I have raised three kids who have suffered their share of colds and flu’s so we are well aware of what is usually waiting for us in a used tissue but the job of binning them seemed to be a lot easier when the person responsible is your own four year old child.

Maybe some kind of alarm that sounds exactly like a nose being blown, emanating from the drink holders where these nasty little buggers are usually resting?

Now finally Santa, we recently hosted 100 junior golfers over two days, which it must be said were excellently behaved and polite. The Jack Newton Junior Golf Foundation was responsible for the running and coordinating of the event and due to the efforts of Dale Hughes and his helpers from the foundation it ran like a Rolex Clock! I would love you Santa, to arrange for Dale to have his wages doubled as of Jan 1, 2017. In fact, lets spread that across to all the various State Junior Coordinators!

Thanks readers and may all of you have a triple bogey free Christmas for 2016. Particularly one of my favourites…..  Michelle from Bermagui.  Psssst – Call me Michelle.     

 

 

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Larry Canning

About Larry Canning

Larry Canning has been a fixture on the Australian golf scene for more years than he cares to remember. As a tour player, club professional, writer, radio presenter and annoying protagonist. He knows the game, the stories and the people and loves nothing better than to offer up his opinions and yarns on to anyone who wants to listen. As well as his media gigs, Larry also plays the Australasian Legends Tour which means he has access to some true Aussie Legends. Larry’s reports are sometimes quirky, usually very humorous, but always deeply insightful.

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